I can't help but wonder how I might have changed these past months. It's safe to say that I'm not at school nearly as long anymore, (absence of marching band), and I play piccolo in band, but apart from that my situation hasn't really changed that much. I still go into school unreasonably early and stay up far too late, considering. I still try as hard as I can make myself and hardly ever do as well as I would like. I still love my boyfriend and hate my English teacher. I still struggle to express myself truly and honestly; in my writing, in my music, and even in my life. I still overachieve, over-empathize, and occasionally overreact. I still beauty everywhere and wish I could move the world with it. For the most part, I'm the same, I mean, how much can you change in five months? But I have changed, at least a little.

        For one thing, I've experienced some paradoxes. Lately I've been feeling guilty almost constantly about my wrongs over the past few years. I just haven't been able to let go of them for some reason. I've experienced some of the greatest moments of absolution in my life, and yet I've just gone back and repeated my sins, like I've learned nothing, like I'm too weak to control myself. I feel closer to God than I've ever felt, yet I also feel like I've fallen away so much. Is this just the human condition, helpless inadequacy? I don't think I do too badly at life, but sometimes I believe I really just fall short. I've felt so much creativity, but this is one of the slowest periods in my writing cycle. I've often either felt like a victor or a failure.

        I've come to several conclusions about reality also. There are three basic failures I think modern human society as a whole has committed. Firstly, there is the whole rebellious outlook. Stand up to the system, prove yourself, scream your randomly concocted ideas from a mountaintop and condemn the world as close-minded. Whatever happened to the spirit of discovery, not only of the world and God, but of ourselves? We have all the wrong energies going out and all the wrong energies going in. We sucker-punch people with our beliefs and do everything we can to make ourselves happy in the meantime. People should debate with themselves first, discover themselves and what they're all about, in the context of denying ourselves and putting others before ourselves. Finding yourself isn't so much finding your place as finding your nature, understanding yourself as best you can, what makes you tick, and what you have to offer. If everyone committed to helping the world instead of waging war against it, we would make so much more progress.

        Second, society endorses prefabricated expressions of "self" that really only show who you wish you were. Several lines come to mind, namely: "Music is my life." "I am open-minded." "My friends are awesome.". I've seen these and others on countless profiles and myspaces. I know some people to whom these phrases literally apply, but the simple truth is that many people use aphorisms like this to describe themselves because they haven't really thought about who they are. People in general would much rather have their identity handed to them so they can live for the moment every moment of their lives without guilt, but what will they do when they are faced with challenges outside those that popular culture addresses? What will they do about the world's problems? Having cultural icons promotes the kind of mindless mob mentality that has led to some of the greatest atrocities in history. Basically, human society today allows a few insecure people to tell other insecure people who they are. It's a mutually parasitic relationship that doesn't help anyone.

        Finally, there is this massive attitude of trying to forget the rest of the world. Don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful thing to be able to forget the world's problems for a while, but some people are insecure to the point that they are afraid to face them. I have only one thing to say about people like this: put God first, then all others, and then yourself. Even if you don't believe in any higher power, at least put the focus of your life outside of yourself. The important things are not the ones we think about doing, but the ones that we do.

       So finally, back to why I wrote this lengthy piece in the first place. Tomorrow I will turn sixteen, and I can think of billions of people who never got that far. Whether they were aborted before they were even born, died from sickness as little children, were murdered before age ten, killed in a car accident, or exterminated as a part of one genocide or another, it doesn't matter. The flat truth is that they are so many people who never got the chance to figure out who they are, to do something in this world that will make a difference, any difference. I won't lie and say I've seen the dark side of the world, but I have seen some things, and they are enough to make me want nothing more than to do something , anything to help relieve the massive suffering in this world. I am 15, going on 16, and I'm not who I want to be. Most of you, if any, who are reading this are probably about the same age. What on Earth are we going to with ourselves? Or perhaps the better question is, what are we going to do with this Earth of ours?

My name's Amelia Looper, and this has been the world's longest blog entry. Peace.