starwarsfreakygirl's Xanga

I would definitely say I haven't updated in a while...

Fri, 19 Jan 2007 03:50:29 GMT

I can't help but wonder how I might have changed these past months. It's safe to say that I'm not at school nearly as long anymore, (absence of marching band), and I play piccolo in band, but apart from that my situation hasn't really changed that much. I still go into school unreasonably early and stay up far too late, considering. I still try as hard as I can make myself and hardly ever do as well as I would like. I still love my boyfriend and hate my English teacher. I still struggle to express myself truly and honestly; in my writing, in my music, and even in my life. I still overachieve, over-empathize, and occasionally overreact. I still beauty everywhere and wish I could move the world with it. For the most part, I'm the same, I mean, how much can you change in five months? But I have changed, at least a little.

For one thing, I've experienced some paradoxes. Lately I've been feeling guilty almost constantly about my wrongs over the past few years. I just haven't been able to let go of them for some reason. I've experienced some of the greatest moments of absolution in my life, and yet I've just gone back and repeated my sins, like I've learned nothing, like I'm too weak to control myself. I feel closer to God than I've ever felt, yet I also feel like I've fallen away so much. Is this just the human condition, helpless inadequacy? I don't think I do too badly at life, but sometimes I believe I really just fall short. I've felt so much creativity, but this is one of the slowest periods in my writing cycle. I've often either felt like a victor or a failure.

I've come to several conclusions about reality also. There are three basic failures I think modern human society as a whole has committed. Firstly, there is the whole rebellious outlook. Stand up to the system, prove yourself, scream your randomly concocted ideas from a mountaintop and condemn the world as close-minded. Whatever happened to the spirit of discovery, not only of the world and God, but of ourselves? We have all the wrong energies going out and all the wrong energies going in. We sucker-punch people with our beliefs and do everything we can to make ourselves happy in the meantime. People should debate with themselves first, discover themselves and what they're all about, in the context of denying ourselves and putting others before ourselves. Finding yourself isn't so much finding your place as finding your nature, understanding yourself as best you can, what makes you tick, and what you have to offer. If everyone committed to helping the world instead of waging war against it, we would make so much more progress.

Second, society endorses prefabricated expressions of "self" that really only show who you wish you were. Several lines come to mind, namely: "Music is my life." "I am open-minded." "My friends are awesome.". I've seen these and others on countless profiles and myspaces. I know some people to whom these phrases literally apply, but the simple truth is that many people use aphorisms like this to describe themselves because they haven't really thought about who they are. People in general would much rather have their identity handed to them so they can live for the moment every moment of their lives without guilt, but what will they do when they are faced with challenges outside those that popular culture addresses? What will they do about the world's problems? Having cultural icons promotes the kind of mindless mob mentality that has led to some of the greatest atrocities in history. Basically, human society today allows a few insecure people to tell other insecure people who they are. It's a mutually parasitic relationship that doesn't help anyone.

Finally, there is this massive attitude of trying to forget the rest of the world. Don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful thing to be able to forget the world's problems for a while, but some people are insecure to the point that they are afraid to face them. I have only one thing to say about people like this: put God first, then all others, and then yourself. Even if you don't believe in any higher power, at least put the focus of your life outside of yourself. The important things are not the ones we think about doing, but the ones that we do.

So finally, back to why I wrote this lengthy piece in the first place. Tomorrow I will turn sixteen, and I can think of billions of people who never got that far. Whether they were aborted before they were even born, died from sickness as little children, were murdered before age ten, killed in a car accident, or exterminated as a part of one genocide or another, it doesn't matter. The flat truth is that they are so many people who never got the chance to figure out who they are, to do something in this world that will make a difference, any difference. I won't lie and say I've seen the dark side of the world, but I have seen some things, and they are enough to make me want nothing more than to do something , anything to help relieve the massive suffering in this world. I am 15, going on 16, and I'm not who I want to be. Most of you, if any, who are reading this are probably about the same age. What on Earth are we going to with ourselves? Or perhaps the better question is, what are we going to do with this Earth of ours?

My name's Amelia Looper, and this has been the world's longest blog entry. Peace.

Goodness gracious me!

Fri, 29 Sep 2006 13:55:54 GMT

4 day weekend foolzzzzzzzz!!!!!

This is a very good thing, because I have a LOT of work to do. And a lot of reading to do. In order to get a 120 on my reading log, thus bringing up my average (hopefully), I have to gave read 2800 pages of book by October 10th, and another 2800 by the end of semester. I suppose it's kind of a good thing because there are many books I really need to read. Besides which, I've already figured out which books I need to read each 9 weeks and none of them are the sort that I dread reading. So far I've read The Unseen Queen, The Swarm War, Republic Commando: Hard Contact (all Star Wars), The Rescue, The Guardian (both by Nicholas Sparks), and The Tenant of Wildfell Hall (by Anne Bronte). Most of these I've finished in about 4-5 days. Now I'm reading Outbound Flight (only about 2-3 chapters in though) and really liking it, especially since as long as I finish this by October 10th I will get a 120 on my reading log. I'm sure I'll be done sooner than that, so I'll have time to get ahead for next 9 weeks. My reading list for THAT thus far is as follow: Jedi Trial, The Cestus Deception, and Labyrinth of Evil, Pastwatch by Orson Scott Card, Cry the Beloved Country, The Other Side of the Sky, and My Sister's Keeper. I think there's one I'm forgetting. I don't know what it is.

Now I have two choices: fool around or do my work. I'll let you know what happens.

Life...

Sun, 17 Sep 2006 21:41:16 GMT

...is amazing, to say the least. My mind's been all over the place all day...

The Long-Awaited...

Sat, 16 Sep 2006 14:16:59 GMT

Amelia is updating; there is happiness in the world again.

So we got progress reports a few weeks back, and for the first time ever I have 2 Bs. That makes me sad because I've always thought Spanish and English were my best subjects! At the least I'm sure I've pulled the Spanish grade since I aced my last 2 tests HA! English however, is proving to be an anathema.

Typically, I do marvelous in English, but my lovely teacher (don't care for her too much) gave me a B on an A quality essay, simply because I used a little & instead of writing out "and". If it weren't for that, I would've gotten an A. And I didn't find out that that bothered her before we took our next test, so she's bound to take off points from that one as well. The only thing that might haved saved me was a 98 on the To Kill a Mockingbird test, which I got, and a 100 on the Julius Caesar quiz (on which I got a 107). Well those were As, so we just couldn't have that. The TEST counts as a DAILY GRADE. The QUIZ is also a DAILY GRADE. I don't think that teacher could bear to give out an A. It makes me combination angry and sad and frustrated. Sadly, the only option, then, is to suck up majorly and overachieve when possible. This means I will need to read 4 more 400 page books by October 10th so I can get a good grade on my reading log at least. Ugh.

I also dislike how I'm in the Spanish class that my Spanish teacher doesn't like AGAIN. That doesn't mean that she's mean or unfair to us. It means the other class gets to do more fun and interesting things than mine. It means I am doomed to a simple, curricular, unentertaining hour and a half solely because there are morons in my class. FRUSTRAAAAAATION....

I signed up to meet with representatives from Baylor and Vanderbilt this coming month, even though I had no idea what Vanderbilt was. Then I looked it up and realized that it's pretty much the Rice of Nashville. Now there's instinct.

So now I won't be at peace until I've cleaned my room, done my work, and finished my book. Adios for now.

The Missives

Sun, 03 Sep 2006 21:37:31 GMT

First game=coolness. Of course, we lost. However, it wasn't a creamed kind of loss. It was more of a 13-7 kinda thing, which is okay. The traditional Sonic trip was good. We didn't leave until they flooded the floor and forced us to.

And now it's a three day weekend!!! That makes me squirmy excited, for I really need the sleep. Lots.And lots.

Hope life is treating you kindly!

DON'T GET ON THE BOAT!!!!!!

Sun, 27 Aug 2006 23:54:41 GMT

I watched Titanic last night. I am never setting foot on a boat again. Ever.

And it was silly because from the very beginning you know the ship is going down as well as the majority of the people on it, so from the moment the peoples get on the ship, I knew they were doomed. That made me sad.

But nonetheless it was a beautiful movie. I think the only other movie I cried as much in was Hotel Rwanda, also an excellent movie.

It made me think a lot, about how unfair it is that we survive when so many others don't, all through history. Makes me feel almost...guilty. I dunno, 'tis strange.

On another note, I got out of AP World History W00T! Now I have time to blog again. Hurrah.

Oh first football game this Friday. I don't even remember who we're playing...

Schooooooool

Fri, 11 Aug 2006 20:25:11 GMT

School is, surprisingly, altogether not too shabby. Here's the schedule:

A day: Computer Science (also known as programming), Band, AP Spanish 4, and Chemistry Pre-AP

B Day: Algebra 2 Pre-AP, Band, AP World History, and English Pre-AP

I really like my Chemistry, History, and English teachers thus far. My Spanish teacher is also a lot nicer than last year, so I think I might wind up liking her in the end. I like the Computer Science teacher okay, but I wasn't in her class long, so I can't say for sure. And Mr. Beltram is, of course, prettay cool so that will be fine. The only teacher I think I may not like is my algebra teacher, simply because she's kinda bland and boring. But she is a good teacher, so at least it won't hurt me. And there are numerous cool peoples in some of my classes.

Okay now I'm tired and leaving. Leave me alone.

Oh, and for the record, it feels gooooood to be loved.

The Bluuuuues

Wed, 09 Aug 2006 02:36:44 GMT

For whatever reason, I am really bummed and tired. More than likely I'm bummed because I'm tired. I can barely keep my eyes open. I'm thinking I'll read a little, then sleep. Heaven knows I need it.

Blah. I'm not so crazy about these down days...

It's the end of the world as we know it...

Sun, 06 Aug 2006 02:52:49 GMT

After a marvelous 4 days of marching torture, I live. It actually wasn't too bad, but I sunburned everywhere that wasn't covered except my legs and hands. The actual marching was rather boring. There are only 4-5 freshman flute players and only one or two of them look like they'll be in the show. And of course there were sectionals with Ms. Mathers: an adventure in its own. I actually don't think she dislikes me though. I don't know what makes me think that, but I do.

And now I must jet. Hasta la vista.

These are the days...

Tue, 01 Aug 2006 00:36:39 GMT

I HAD written an excellent long entry, but my stupid computer expired the friggin page so now it's gone. All gone.

Suffice to say that these last few days have been amazing. The concert was amazing: great music+great company=great time. My flute's been giving me difficulties, and I don't know whether it's my fault or not. Marching starts tomorrow. My summer will be essentially over, but it's okay because I'll see people I haven't seen in forever and have something to do...most of the time. I had some great, emotional stuff written before, but now the moment has passed. I'll come up with different stuff later.